Like most of my ex-girlfriends, the people behind Alcatraz -- specifically producer J.J. Abrams and writer Elizabeth Sarnoff -- have already turned me into an impotent, pathetic apologist, with their previous hit series, Lost.  I made every excuse for staying with that show, even as red flags went up and at times it made me feel angry, depressed, and began cheating on me with that stupid guy from the gym. 

So, like any impotent, pathetic apologist, instead of learning from past relationships (although I can’t really say I was entirely dissatisfied with Lost), I’m going to give Alcatraz the benefit of the doubt for now, because although the two-hour premiere (consisting of the episodes, “Pilot” and “Ernest Cobb”) failed on several fronts, it has an intriguing premise.  Apart from that mystery element though, the episodes lacked any engaging protagonists and suffered from frustrating narrative and writing.

The show stars Sarah Jones as Rebecca Madsen, a homicide detective on the San Francisco Police Department, who teams up on a special task force with Dr. Diego “Doc” Soto (Jorge Garcia, Lost), a comic book enthusiast and Alcatraz expert.  They work with a force assembled by Emerson Hauser (Sam Neill, Jurassic Park) and Lucy Banerjee (Parminder Nagra, Bend it Like Beckham) to solve the mystery of why 302 inmates and guards disappeared from Alcatraz in the 1960s and why they are suddenly reappearing to kill random people.  Lame police work ensues, criminals get caught, rinse, repeat, etc.  Also, flashbacks are involved.  

For you Lost fans, Michael Giacchino is doing score here again. It’s sweet and beautiful. And a very much like Lost, at times mimicking some elements of that score exactly.  The are great sets designs and production value, as well.  One of the most interesting parts of the episodes, in fact, are the flashbacks to Alcatraz, where you can see the infamous prison in action.  (I'll discuss the overall importance of these later.) 

Unfortunately, tarnishing good parts of the premiere were its script and execution.  The pilot episode especially played out like a poorly scripted cop drama, with a trite, clichéd dialogue about losing partners, needing partners, not needing partners, being a Grade-A cop who is too dedicated and can’t let go, etc.  In fact, the best way the writers thought to introduce and provide some depth to Madsen’s character was to have a character unemotionally express their belief that Madsen’s too dedicated to her job -- and in turn have Madsen unemotionally tell other people she’s good at her job.  No real nuances in the character, or any of the other characters for that matter.  It all seemed inauthentic and forced.  It doesn’t help that Sarah Jones plays her character as having such varied emotions as cold and detached and unemotional and impassive.  And her facial expressions range from blank to equally blank but with a soulless smile. 

The episodes would be mediocre cop programming, at the very best, if it weren’t for all those criminals disappearing into thin air.  Criminals who are now coming back in a monster-of-the-week fashion.  Through flashbacks, we learn of these criminals' wicked lives, in society and on The Rock.  However, I wasn’t convinced those flashbacks were entirely significant.  I never got the idea they did much for the story, other than explain why people killed.  I was hoping to learn a bit more about the show's stars instead.  Time will tell, I suppose, and, again, I’m willing to not be too harsh on this matter, because I really hope they have something good coming, where all the stories will somehow be linked and/or symbolic.

Interestingly enough, the heartless murderers are the most engaging characters in the episodes.  I don’t know if that’s how it’s meant to be -- if the show runners are planning to use Hauser’s task force as a vehicle to unveil secrets that further the plot, while the audience actually finds itself more engaged with the stories of the prisoners.  They could rely on the killers, not the cops, to carry the weight of the depth and storylines, but that will be a challenging to maintain viewers, and I hope they wouldn’t want us to sympathize with characters that have killed, and will kill, dozens of innocent people.  (Although, technically, I did consistently love Michael Emerson’s Ben Linus from Lost, who murdered countless people, including my favorite character.  Damn you, Emerson!)

With all the other characters who are not heartless murderers, however, the charm and chemistry wasn’t there.  And for an interesting show, the characters came off as rather dull, excepting Sam Neill’s Emerson Hauser, who was a bit more complex and mysterious than the others.  It could of course just be some of the lame lines they have to regurgitate throughout the episodes.  Whatever.  It’s early on, so I just hope they find a way to bring all the characters to their full potentials, especially Sam Neill and Parminder Nagra, as I am a fan of both actors and know they can bring some fine acting and humanity to this project.  Garcia is always fairly charming.  It’s impossible to not like Garcia.  I’m not even convinced he’s a good actor; you just can’t not like him.  Damn you, Garcia!

Finally, what  irked me about how the pilot episode concluded, was with the way too obvious set up for the series that didn’t seem really organic to the storytelling, but was a way to get everyone together and a room to explain how shit’s about to go down for the next 300+ episodes.  The whole pilot episode was actually like that -- one, long obvious exposition.

One of the concluding scenes brings the characters of Madsen and Soto together in a secret room in Alcatraz with Hauser and Banerjee.  Here Madsen declares suddenly she needs a partner, although she’s been without a partner for three months, because her previous partner died in front of her very eyes during a rooftop chase.  She of course chooses Soto, because of his athletic prowess, infallible detective work, notable experience on the force and expert marksmanship.  Because when choosing a partner for extremely dangerous police business, you’d want that kind of guy.  Certainly not an overweight, out of shape comic book enthusiast with zero detective experience, but who just knows about things -- things you can read in the book he wrote.  Or maybe you’d keep the comic book expert around, but also get a real partner.   Who has experience.  And can back you up.  With a gun.  And who won’t cause your inevitable death because of gross negligence.

The primary thing that kept me invested, and should keep others invested, was having knowing there would be some sort of big reveal at each episode's finale.  Fortunately, there was.  That’s really what the show has had going for it.  There really isn’t much soul there for now, but a lot of mystery.  Hopefully, as the story progresses, the protagonists will become more relatable and engaging.  For now, I’ll just keep apologizing for Alcatraz’s behavior, and letting it make me feel like shit, because I know one day, if I can learn to tolerate its abuse, we’ll be happy together.  Just please don’t leave me, Alcatraz!

Line of the day:

• “Rebecca! Stop talking!” – Sam Neill, with an inappropriate ferocity. Can’t tell if it was a bad or awesome line.