The Batman Chronicles: Week One
Batman begins....again! For the first time.
April 24, 2012 3:38 pmStephen Harvey
Thomas Edison is quoted as once saying that genius is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration and frankly, I could not agree more. I have been inspired and I feel the need to perspire is now. It's become very apparent that I am called for a higher purpose, a purpose that I was born to fulfill, a purpose that must cast a bright light into a world shrouded of darkness.
For those of you who don't know, a big controversy has been brewing over crime levels in New York City. Both the NYPD and Mayor Bloomberg claim the crime rate is dropping, but certain whistleblowers from the system are protesting this, saying that there is a movement from within to mislabel the crimes as lesser offenses on purpose, so that the severity is lessoned. Regardless on whom you believe in this matter, it's plain to see that crime is still a very real issue in the Big Apple and something must be done. That something is me. I must become a symbol.
I must become a bat.
Yes, the time has come for me to don the cowl and sweep the streets of New York City clean from the cowardly and superstitious lot that plagues it so. Someone has to be a clenched Fist of Justice that brutally crashes into the Jaw of Evil. I must become Batman. But now before I go driving into the night, let's breakdown what I know about Batman.
THINGS I KNOW ABOUT BATMAN
- His parents are dead.
- He was trained by ninjas.
- He has a cool raspy voice.
- He has an awesome costume.
- He has cool gadgets.
With this established, we can now go about the steps to ensure my Batman-ification.
HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD – Now thankfully, both my parents are still alive and well, back in Ohio. I was terrified at first, because I felt I could never tap into the all-consuming inner rage of Batman with my both my parents alive. But then it hit me, my parents didn't have to really be dead; I just needed to believe my parents are dead. So I called my Mom and this happened during a phone call with my Mom...
MOM: Hey sweetie, how are you?
ME: Not bad. Hey listen, I'm trying to become a tortured avenging force of justice, so I need to pretend you're dead.
MOM: Wait, what?
ME: Gotta go, I'll avenge your death, I promise.
MOM: Stephen, wait...
And then I hung up on her. So big ol' check mark on that goal: My parents are now dead.
HE WAS TRAINED BY NINJAS – It's hard to find real, authentic ninjas here in New York City. I know from movies that Sensei Samurai Masters often live in remote, hard-to-find places, which is perfect for me since I already live in Queens. Sure enough, after exploring some abandoned subway tracks, I found a powerful, wandering ninja by the name of Rufus. I knew he was a ninja because why else would he live in seclusion?
Rufus took me under his wing and taught me the art of self-defense. Well, rather, he taught me a few punches and kicks before passing out on his filthy mattress. Poor guy, he must be suffering from years of fighting Vampire Warlords. Still, what he did teach me is invaluable and I even learned how to mix toothpaste and matches to make meth!
HE HAS A COOL RASPY VOICE – Check!
HE HAS AN AWESOME COSTUME – This one was easier than I thought. Granted, WayneTech isn't real and Kevlar or DragonTooth body armor is expensive and hard to come by, but when all seemed lost, I found just what I was looking for at WalMart. It's not bullet proof, but thanks to my Rufus-taught skills, it won't need to be.
For starters, this will be my everyday wear.
And then for stealth operations, I will wear this.
The fuzzy hoodie lining will help keep me warm and protect me from ice-based villains, such as Mr. Freeze or Captain Cold.
The rest just involves hot-gluing some pouches to my belt and picking up some military surplus boots. After that, my Uniform of Justice will be complete.
HE HAS COOL GADGETS – Years of MacGyver reruns, combined with generous episodes of Mythbusters on Netflix, has endowed me with the superior knowledge needed to dismember the evil beast that is crime. Though Batman has dozens of cool gadgets at his disposal at any time, you can break them down into three basic categories:
- SMOKE PELLETS
- GRAPPLING GUN
The Batarangs will be the easiest to get. I just need to find a local high school that has a metal working class and bribe one of the students there with a few issues of Hustler or Penthouse in exchange for some top-shelf quality Batarangs. A dozen or so total should be enough, keeping maybe five-to-six on me at all times.
The smoke pellets require me to be a bit more creative, however. I had asked my Ninja Master Sensei, Rufus, for some smoke pellets, but he kept going on about ‘smoking some pellets' and asking me if I was ‘holding.' Holding what, exactly? He never did say, but passed out holding a wide-mouth bottle of Blue Nun whiskey. Thinking about it, he was probably giving me a Buddhist riddle to ponder upon and expand my understanding of the universe and all things that are and must be. I'm sure that's it you guys.
Regardless, I put some thought into this one and recalled an incident when I used to bag groceries for a living. I remember lifting a flimsy plastic bag that contained two bags of flour and the ensuing chaos when the plastic bag tore and the parchment containers full of flour exploded on the floor, casting everything in a thick, white cloud. So, expanding on this, my plan is to fill several Ziploc sandwich bags with flour and then roll them into dozens of tiny, dense balls. I'll then hot glue these flour balls with those little white snappy things you get on the fourth of July. In theory, if I throw one of these down, the snappy things should explode, sending flour everywhere allowing me to confuse and disorient my foes and I stalk them silently and pick them off on by one.
Finally and arguably the most important, we come to the grappling gun. Though Batman never got a grappling gun till the 90's Batman: The Animated Series, it's become a staple of his arsenal ever since then and simply a must have if I am to be taken seriously. Somewhere in my closet, I have an old paintball gun just taking up dust that's perfect for this particular gadget. All I need is a strong metal hook and some military surplus rope, tie the rope to the gun and shove the hook into the barrel. By pulling the trigger, the CO2 that's expelled from the tank in the back of the gun should send the hook high into the skyscrapers of New York City.
With all of these in place, I think it's a safe bet my newly fledged crime fighting career is going to be a huge success. Hopefully, with any luck, I'll be able to give weekly updates on my quest for dark justice.
I AM VENGENANCE
I AM THE NIGHT
I AM BATMAN!