I've been watching Terra Nova lately and I have to say, something seems off. You've got this great premise with this breathtaking ball-bustingly expensive production, and there's time travel and dinosaurs involved, and yet somehow it repeatedly manages to evoke Malcolm in the Middle. Seeking an answer for why a perfectly respectable multi-million-dollar series like this would settle for so much family fare per episode, I compiled the best data I could and came up with the following hypothetical scenario.

This is a mostly computer-simulated meeting between the creators of the show and the network representatives. It accurately represents, I believe, why there's so much cheese in Terra Nova, and not so much growl.

So the creators of Terra Nova (Spielberg, that composer guy who does the "waah waah wahh, wahh wahh" theme at the beginning, etc.) are in their secret lab, cooking up more dinosaur shenanigans for the audience's insatiable thirst for prehistoric ADVENTURE. Suddenly, in come the Network Reps! They're wearing suits and glasses or something, I don't know. There are probably briefcases involved because that's just how anthropomorphized clichés roll.

REPS: So what have you got for us?

CREATORS: Well, we got this cool scene all cooked up, where Commander Taylor shanks a Brachiosaurus—

REPS: No, no, too expensive. Tone it down a bit.

CREATORS: Didn't you say it was okay to go all-out? I mean, you guys did order thirteen episodes right off the bat, that kind of gave us the impression that you—

REPS: Nope. Look, the economy's kind of bad and we each need a third yacht. Just sayin'. Tone it down.

CREATORS: Alright, so how about he shoots it with a rocket launcher—

REPS: Nope. Still too expensive. And violent. Can he maybe hug it, or something?

CREATORS: Actually, we've been meaning to talk to you about that...

REPS: People like hugs. It's a great demographic, "hugs". Our demographic poll charts say so.

CREATORS: Well, you see, we kind of started the whole thing out expecting that the characters would actually...you know. Have to fight the dinosaurs.

REPS: FIGHT them?! Oh no. No, you've gone way over the line here. Remember, people, this is a FAMILY show. On FOX.

CREATORS: Yes, yes, we get that.

REPS: I mean, if you had actual violence in every episode, who knows what could happen? Next thing you know, you've got kids dressing up like Rambo, and then our ratings tank!

CREATORS: Our ratings already tanked. And didn't you greenlight a scene in that other episode where they brutally torture that one guy?

REPS: Oh, that. Yeah, that was good. That got us a lot of viewers.

CREATORS (placing two hands palm up, in a desperate attempt to win the bid for sanity): Alright. Let's just explore that for a moment. On the one hand, actual torture of a human being. On the other, self-defense against a mindless predator. Which, by the way, would satisfy our fans.

REPS: Couldn't you just have the Commander wave a stick at a dinosaur, like he did last time?

CREATORS: You do realize that's not going to work every time? Sooner or later, people will start catching on.

REPS: Do it anyway. And while you're at it, throw in another couple of scenes with those plot-irrelevant teenagers making out. People love teen makeout sessions.

CREATORS: But that's not what the show is about.

REPS: Is that dissent I hear? You wouldn't want us to let you and Mr. Lang have a little chat, would you?

(In the corner, the feral STEPHEN LANG gnashes at the bars of his cage, trying to get out so he can hunt his own kind once again.)

CREATORS: *gulp* N-no, we'd prefer if he stuck to acting, thanks.

REPS: I'm glad we agree. Now throw in a couple more of those makeout scenes. And while you're at it, how about ending another episode with the little girl hugging a baby dinosaur? People love baby animals. They're so cute!

CREATORS: We know. The Internet is full of them. We just figured…

REPS: In fact, why don't you just end EVERY episode like that? The audience is happy, put in a couple of explosions near the beginning or something, it's all good. Make it happen.

CREATORS: But...

REPS: No buts! We've already bribed Australia for the filming permits. Get it done!

The REPS leave.

The CREATORS stare dejected at their elaborate scripts and prop orders.

CREATORS: *sigh* Here you go, Stephen.

The CREATORS hand the high-budget action-packed scripts through the bars to STEPHEN LANG, who tears through them with his teeth, making a nest with the remains.

CREATORS: Someday, Stephen. Someday you'll shank a dinosaur. I promise.